When the mind can't explain something.....

• Undressed from the waist down
• Legs in stirrups
• Watching a doctor pick up what looked like a metal medieval instrument of torture 
• And the words “pre-cancerous” in my mind

That was me a few weeks ago when I went for a gynaecological procedure at the hospital.

And I’d say that is a very good question!

My answer is that this experience offered me so much wisdom about how I create my own reality and how I can shape my own experience, even in the face of what might be described as a frightening situation, that I had a sense it may help others in whatever their own difficult situations.

I won’t go into graphic detail but allow me to offer a bit more context…..

The scene I set out at the start described my return to the hospital for a procedure following a biopsy which had found abnormal cells on my cervix. That is not an unusual situation and (if you are a female reading this) you may have experienced this yourself. If you have, you’ll probably be able to relate to the feelings that arise when you read about “high grade pre-cancerous cells” and “significant changes detected”. If, like me, you find yourself unable to fight the urge to Google what “CIN3” means you’d find out that this means the cells (undetected or without treatment) can develop into cervical cancer.

I was in panic mode. The C word had been mentioned and now I had to go and have bits of my cervix cut out! Eek! My mind was showing me images of a horrible, painful, embarrassing and frightening procedure. I was aware that I had been hi-jacked by my fear response and was visualising the worst possible experience and the worst possible outcome. Understandable you could say but not very helpful. This lasted for a couple of days.

I can’t explain what it happened. I was like another part of me woke up and showed me that there was a different experience available to me, that I could choose to have a different perspective on the situation.

What happened over the days and weeks until my appointment was a growing sense of allowing, acceptance, surrender and connecting with the part of me that knew it would be ok. I can’t explain how this happened and even with the years of mindfulness meditation I had done and all the personal development I’ve done on getting to know my mind better. Something different was going on here.

It was like a sense of calm and peace arose from within me and I was able to step out of the disaster movie and into a space of ease and relaxation. As the day of the appointment came closer I found myself more relaxed rather than less and, strangely, I became quite curious about what the experience would be like.

On the day itself it didn’t go perfectly, and that is an important point. This wasn’t a case of thinking positively and everything will ok, there was something else going on which my mind couldn’t explain.

I had to wait for 40 minutes to be called for my appointment and instead of getting worked up or irritated I was able to just sit there. I felt relaxed and at ease. Then, when I was up on the couch, legs akimbo, the doctor spent at least 20 minutes trying various pieces of equipment before she found one that “fitted”.  What followed was a comedy moment when the doctor and nurse were both fiddling around between my legs trying to get the suction to work!! Instead of getting frustrated, angry or more tense I found myself smiling and laughing inside at the comedy of it. Such a different way to experience the situation.

And the post-op experience was also very different to how the mind in panic mode had imagined. It had believed the guidance that said there could be significant discomfort for up to 2 weeks. What actually happened was that I woke up the next day I had no discomfort at all and I haven’t since.

The rational mind can’t explain it. Something that it would label as painful, distressing, worrying, embarrassing, even terrifying was at worst neutral and at best a curiously interesting experience.  

It showed me that the mind has a tendency to run away into worst case scenario planning, it’s what it has been programmed to do. But by pausing and asking “how would I like to experience this?” I was able to shift mode and move into a space of curiosity, choice and freedom from that programme.

The mind is more malleable than we might think. Whatever we point it towards we get more of, so pain and worry brings pain and worry, ease and relaxation brings ease and relaxation.

Will my experience and this different perspective change the outcome? I don’t know and there are still a few weeks until I get the results. I do believe that all the abnormal cells are gone but if not yet, then it means I have more opportunity to practice allowing, accepting and surrendering to enable the body to heal itself.  

What I DO know is that by not fighting against the situation and trying to control it I was able to be with the experience as it unfolded without expectation of how good or bad it would be (and I ended up being very pleasantly surprised!).